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Reijers World: ‘Oh my God, OH... MY... GOD, Fuck yeah’
by Reijer Breed, in Columns & Opinions , posted 01 September 2014

I was on a terrace with Willem and John on Leidseplein. They had just come back from New York. “It was wonderful. Such an overwhelming city. There is always something to do there, day and night. We are still tired. But you did a great job taking care of our house,” Willem said.

“Sure, no problem. You’re on a great location on the Overtoom. And Charlie, your cat, is lovely,” I replied. “And have you been naughty over there?,” I asked. “Yes, Sir! We made some Americans very happy with our Dutch behinds,” John said. “In the saunas. In the back rooms. And we went home with someone a couple of times.” “There is just one problem. They do not talk during sex. They only thing they say is ‘Oh my God’ and ‘FUCK.’ At a certain point, it just made us laugh. Isn’t it normal to talk? People encourage each other with words. But not over there. Just ‘OH MY GOD’ and ‘FUCK,’” Willem added.

“Come and have a listen,” Djoeke, a colleague of mine at VPRO radio asked. We were both editing in adjacent rooms. She made me listen to a tape, and I heard plaintive and moaning voices. She was making a program on sex noises. “These are Polynesian women teaching their daughters to make little sounds to encourage their men during sex,” Djoeke said. We listened to it again. Laughing, she said: “It’s like caterwauling.” Some time later, she made me listen to a tape of an American couple making love. And of course, there it was. The man was growling. “Oh my God, Oh... my... God. Fuck yeah. FUCK YEAH.” It really made us laugh.

Back on Leidseplein, I asked Willem and John: “But what do you say to each other when having sex?” “Well, do you have a moment?,” Willem said smiling. “We talk to each other all the time. John really loves sex in the morning. I drag him through the bed and push his head in the sheets. And then I call out: ‘Ass up bitch, I’m going to fuck you.’ Then we take a shower together and shave. Suits and ties on, and off to the office.”

Someone who also makes wonderful sex sounds, I think, is Michael Bublé. He’s so hot. And he seemed so funny in Paul de Leeuw’s show. Michael recorded the song of my favorite group The Drifters with Natural Seven, “Some kind of wonderful.”

All you have to do is touch my hand
To show me you understand
And something happens to me
That's some kind of wonderful
And any time my little world seems blue
I just have to look at you
And everything seems to be
Some kind of wonderful

John ordered some more beers and said: “I used to go home with someone, and we would be having a nice conversation. But then in the bedroom it was quiet. I used to hate that. No, I prefer to talk. And using words and sounds to warm each other up.” “Talking about sounds,” Willem said. “Two houses over lives this couple. When they are having sex, she shrieks very loud. It’s a nightmare. We even had to call the police. And the police had had several complaints and would pay them a visit.”

Some days later I went to the Thermos sauna and went into a cabin with a handsome American. He was lying on top of me, and there it was again. “Oh my god, Oh my god, OH... MY... GOD. Fuck yeah.”

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