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Letter from Brussels: The Ultimate Coming Out
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|   |  | | by De Ket, in Columns & Opinions , posted 23 May 2013 |
Dear Neighbors to the North, For some weeks now, the Flemish commercial broadcaster VTM has been airing “Uit de kast” [Out of the Closet], based on a Dutch television format. Assisted by the lovely presenter Roos Van Acker, a Flemish gay or lesbian is trying to tell the secret to his or her family. Most of the shows I haven’t seen at all. Channel hopping, I would occasionally watch parts of the show, somewhat embarrassed.
 When I came out of the closet twenty-five years ago, nobody was shocked by the news. Everyone had seen it coming, although some quicker than others. Then, I could have realized that I might as well keep it to myself and marry my partner to lead the life I wanted to live. Without a painful confession.
That is why I never quite understood the urge “to come out of the closet.” My heterosexual sister never entertained the idea of telling my parents that she was straight. Confessing to being gay because you cannot deliver offspring is a weak excuse, I think.
And after all these years, no one has ever given me the answer to that pressing question: “Why should someone come out of the closet?” In my case, it was more of a coincidence. I never struggled with difficult and conflicting feelings of guilt to announce my being gay to the rest of the world. And I never felt the need to choose a double life. My coming out did not change me into a different person. After twenty-five years, I still do not know how this coming out supposedly changed my life profoundly. And that is what some gays and lesbians keep saying.
To the younger generation of gays and lesbians who think that a coming out to their parents will solve the coming out “problem”: you can forget about that. In your professional life, your preference will also come to the surface. Just think of company parties your partner is invited to. Or while traveling. Or when you move to a different neighborhood. Should you confess at every occasion? I don’t think so. I hope that people will realize I am gay, and that my partner and I do not have to introduce ourselves as a “gay couple.” Something which we have never done, even though everyone is on to us. And that has been going on forever, without negative reactions or disapproving looks. It is my life, not my neighbor’s or my colleague’s life.
 None of the parents really acted surprised in the few confessions I have seen on “Uit de kast.” Somewhat disappointed at the most, because his or her child is homosexual after all. The parents were 99% sure of it, but were maybe hoping against hope it wasn’t true.
And then there is the presence of the camera. Voyeuristic television doesn’t reveal the truth about people. Not about the lesbians or gays on the show, and certainly not about the parents. A parent may control his or her rage, but explode when the camera is no longer in sight.
Coming out on television may be the ultimate coming out. Now, your parents, the rest of your family, your friends, your colleagues, and the rest of Flanders knows.
But whether it solves the problems of someone’s sexual preference remains to be seen. Perhaps the problems will only start for some of the candidates. Some colleagues might not want to work with them anymore. Aunty X would rather not see him or her at family gatherings, fearful of negative reactions. And without a coming out, this would not have been the case, even though people would have suspected that he was gay or she was lesbian anyway.
That a person has to come out of the closet is nonsense. Who wants to do that, is welcome to it. But it’s certainly not a formula for a happy life as a homosexual. I do not question the heterosexuality of my friends and family either.
Yours sincerely,
De Ket
deketbrussel@hotmail.com
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